I'm dating a French man
And now I know I have unresolved issues
It’s funny… When I envisioned coming to France, I made it a goal to go on dates. Multiple dates, that is. But after four years of being single, intentionally choosing abstinence, refusing to date, and listening to people constantly talk about how hard and terrible dating is, I could not have predicted what I’m currently experiencing.
What are the odds that the very first date I go on in France after four years of being single goes well, then ends up in multiple dates with the same guy after that?
Is that luck?
It doesn’t exactly feel that way. I mean, yes of course, I feel in awe of my luck in finding a really really nice and mature guy (and on the first try). But I can feel avoidance creeping up. My last relationship was so tumultuous, so toxic, that I’m deeply afraid of being open, honest, and worst of all, vulnerable.
I’m afraid of becoming who I was in that relationship again, I’m afraid of feeling the way I felt in that relationship, and ultimately, I’m afraid of losing control. Control of my peace, of my independence, of my ambivalence towards love…
I can feel myself trying to turn away from a good thing. In my last relationship, I admit I became quite anxiously attached. We fought constantly. I did things like check his phone and even his fucking email at some point. I constantly felt like a burden, like I had to earn the right to have his attention and be a priority. I felt like my emotions and feelings were invalid, and that I was the broken one in the relationship. It was one of those relationships where I’d try gently initiating a conversation about something that didn’t make me feel great, and at the end of the argument I’d be apologizing in tears, begging for him not to be mad at me anymore.
And I’m so afraid of becoming that again that I can physically feel the avoidance seep into my body like the shade of a cloud passing under the sun.
All I ever wanted with my ex was to have deep conversations, be respected, and feel understood and seen. With French Man, it was like the universe said here-you-go. On our second date, he opened up about his life, remembered things I said to him on the first date, paid for everything, he even remembered my favorite music and played it while he drove me.
And with every nice gesture, a battle within my head and heart commenced. Physically, I’d have the urge to run away, tell him “Sorry, I don’t think I’m ready to date!” and delete his number. Intuitively, my gut told me “We like this, this is what we deserve and want.”
He tells me things like, “Communication is the most important thing to me. I’d rather you tell me something you think I don’t want to hear rather than not know at all,” and, “I want to know the real you, not the you that everyone else sees.”
Oh, and that’s not not all.
On one of our last dates, we met at a dog park to have our dogs meet. The dogs are running around, having a good time. At some point, he gets up and walks over to the little doggie water fountain, pours the water into his hands, and starts giving my dogs water. Even Momo, my little anxious girl, took the water. It’s like how they say animals can always sense a kind person.
Another time, we drove to some cute little festival in Grasse. On our way there we passed an old lady who signaled asking for a lift. I didn’t even see her, but mid conversation, French Man suddenly looks really sad. I ask him what’s wrong, and he tells me he feels so bad for this old lady asking for a ride, and asks me if it’s okay that we turn around. I felt the ice protecting my heart melt.